Many years ago, probably between 8 – 10 years ago, I had a very clear vision (picture in my mind’s eye), of a place somewhere out in the wilderness. It was a barren place, surrounded by low lying mountains all around. But the strange part was that the whole expansive flat land was laid with cement. And in the center, there stood a structure, more like a big warehouse, with a smaller structure connected to it. At the time, this was very symbolic for me. I realized that it was a school of sorts, a place where people could come and learn. As I watched the vision unfold, I saw cars coming towards the structure, and then I saw a car park rising up. Cracks started to appear in the cement, and pretty colored plants started coming through. It was like watching a slow motion picture, and I knew that it was something I had to take note of. I could feel the unfolding images calling to me. Calling to me to come and take ownership. To come and take charge. To come and teach. And so I would lie in bed night after night after seeing this vision, fantasizing about what this could all mean. I had plenty of reasonable explanations, but slowly the vision faded, and along with it, a part of my dream.
For quite a long time after that, I would get pictures of ruins in my mind’s eye. Old castles, old structures from hundreds of years ago, and old derelict houses in the middle of nowhere. It left me with a feeling of meaninglessness. Everything decays. Nothing stays the same. And this terrified me. Suddenly my own material possessions no longer had the same hold on me that they once had. I knew that they too would one day gather dust, and what was once my joy, would be nothing but broken dreams of happiness and a time lost.
It took me many years to realize the futility of worrying about decay, loss, lack and ruin. None of it means anything. That is life. We are born. We die. That is our destiny on earth, but that is not our eternal destiny. But this is for another article.
Something shifted in me 2 days ago.
The dream I once thought lost, came back. But now it was no longer a dream. It was my calling. My purpose. My passion. And while I no longer see the structure in the middle of the cement out in the wilderness (I forgot to end that by saying that I did finally see it in ruins with weeds in the place of the once pretty colored flowers, and with no cars in the parking lot), I know that there is something brewing that fulfills the same function, purpose and calling.
Something shifted in me 2 days ago.
I have created the Love Yourself No Matter What online program, and before I bring it to the world, I wanted to make sure that it had all the right bells and whistles on it. It has to be impactful, helpful, loving, compassionate, direct and divinely inspired. And so I decided to start the program on my own first. I started this 2 days ago, and the first day was awful. For someone who has held her life together like superglue on a broken cup, the glue suddenly vanished. And there I was, in tears, realizing – WoW! I do not feel love. I do not know what love feels like. And I felt like the world had thrown me out. This awareness came from deep within me, and I had to stop and catch my breath. I shared this with a friend, and while the experience was difficult to sit with at first, slowly it became easier. I just sat with it. I let the tears flow. I was honest with my friend. And I let it all go. So maybe I was emotionally neglected when I was a baby, and maybe I did not have expressive people around me to extend their love to me, that was okay. I could heal this part of my life and move on. Instead of looking at it and saying, like it says in A Course in Miracles, that these things never happened, I chose to sit with it. And something within me shifted. After having being diagnosed with PTSD, I realized that for the first time I was coming out of it. And this all began with me seeing the truth for what it is. And once I saw the truth, I did not resist it. I did not get angry. I just let the tears flow, and I can honestly say ….
something shifted in me 2 days ago, and it has not gone back to what it once was.
So if you take anything away from this article, know this, the landscapes of our lives shift in time and space. What was once a glorious palace, can now lie in ruins, but nothing, and I mean this – NOTHING – can change the changeless, and the changeless is the eternal part of you at the very core, that is, has always been, and always will be – LOVE.
Something shifted in my 2 days ago, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
I love you.